Q: My buddy and I have frequented the same bar for the past two years, and we have mutual acquaintances and friends who we have grown to know over time. The problem is, we had a falling out recently (because he screwed my now ex-girlfriend) and we are no longer speaking. Who, technically, has custody of “our bar?”
He Said:
You get custody over the bar, your friends and his favorite shirt if you want it. He broke the guy code, and sub-humans are not allowed to own property. It is not clear whether you were with the girl at the time he decided he valued an orgasm over you. But even if she was already your ex, you still don’t mess around in your friends’ attic.
And the good news is that everyone at the bar will agree with me. If you go to the bar and he shows up upset, just deflate the situation — remind him that you’ve got plenty more exes that he hasn’t banged yet, so he should enjoy THEIR hangouts. And your mutual friends/acquaintances will back you up. By the way, if you want to rally sympathy, don’t trash-talk — be reluctant to tell the story at first. Then when you tell it, it will seem like you’re just being honest, and don’t wish ill on him. People will then wish ill on him for you.
In summary, if he can’t control his nuts, he doesn’t deserve to have any of the bar’s.
She Said:
This isn’t fucking divorce court. It’s a bar. A public place. A place where anyone over the age of 21 is free to go as long as you have money and you’re not a total dick.
The fact that your so-called buddy screwed your girlfriend is completely f-ed up as it is. The fact that you’re extending the battle to include your bar is another thing. You dealt with the girlfriend part … I’m naturally assuming you told your buddy, “Well, you can have the bitch and the syphilis that comes along with her,” stopped talking to him and dumped the bitch as well. Good for you. You deserve a cocktail. Only problem? You might run into that jack-hole while you’re out.
Here’s my verdict on who has so-called “custody” of the bar: SO. FUCKING. WHAT. So you might run into the guy — big deal. Doesn’t mean you have to sit with him, talk to him or buy the dude a beer. I’m sure he’s just about as thrilled to see you there as you are to see him. If the occasional run-in does happen, he’ll keep his distance. If he doesn’t, and isn’t by any means apologizing and is being a immature prick, trust me, IT’LL SHOW WITHOUT YOU HAVING TO SAY OR DO ANYTHING AT ALL. If anything, he’ll make you look damned good.
As for your mutual “bar-folk” that you two “share,” remember its shared custody of them, too. Even though the guy might have committed the biggest crime against friendship that anyone ever possibly could, that doesn’t exactly give you clearance to be just as big of a dick in retribution and start talking shit to your mutual friends. Usually, your typical bar-folk could really give two shits about whether or not you guys are friends anymore, and if they were to ask, all they need to know is “Well, we kind of had a falling out of sorts, but whatever. It’s cool. Let’s drink.” It’s nobody else’s business but your own.
If you’re reading this, you more than likely live in the drunkest city in the United States of America (thank you) so, therefore, there are MANY bars that you probably have yet to explore. If you’re hell bent on staying at “your” bar, then so be it. If you’re fine with being there, then hold your ground. And if you’re both fine with being there, in the same place, at the same time, then maybe there’s an eventual chance for reconciliation … or a total knock-down, drag-out, balls-to-the-wall fistfight. Whatever comes first.
Now if this so called “buddy” of yours can’t do the mature thing like you can, then all bets are off and you can tell the local bar-folk that he has syphilis. He’ll never bring home ass from that bar ever again. Victory is yours.
Q: I met this awesome chick at a bar. We exchanged numbers and ended up having our first and second dates at two other bars. I’m afraid she’s going to start to think that I’m either trying to get her drunk so I can sleep with her or that all I do is drink. All I can possibly think of for a good time involves going out to the bar. Any suggestions?
He Said:
Really? You need my help with this? How hard of a question is this? “Steve, I met this girl at a bar. What’s my name?”
GO OUT DURING THE DAY. Really. Ask her out on a weekend. The weather is still nice enough. Go to a park. Take her to your favorite ice cream place. If you don’t have a favorite ice cream place, go get one. Watch a movie, go to a diner, play mini golf, play pool, go bowling, go to a museum, have a nice dinner, go to a mall or do anything that EVERYONE ELSE does. And if you’re really cheap, my favorite free date is to dress up real nice and look at real estate that’s well beyond your price range. If she has any sense of humor, she’ll get a kick out of it. Just whatever you do, do it during daylight and don’t bring any beer.
Even if you are just trying to sleep with her, one non-alcoholic date will probably lead to that (assuming you have any sort of personality). And if you take her on a tour of the Miller Brewery, I give up.
She Said:
So you mean you’re NOT trying to get her drunk so you can sleep with her? Are you gay? I kid, I kid. Here’s just a minor thought: ever think of asking her what she would like to do? I mean, you’re dating the broad and you’re trying to get to know her, so why don’t you just ask her something like that? Maybe she would come up with an awesome suggestion that doesn’t involve sitting in a smoky bar. Chicks are usually pretty good at that sort of thing. Heck, for all you know she might STILL suggest going to a bar and is totally down with the bar scene … either way, it makes you look really good because you’re handing her the reigns without completely handing her your balls.
If you don’t have the sack to step up and ask her what she’d like to do, or you have a complete and utter machismo complex and feel that you need to call the shots, then suggest going to dinner somewhere a little more upscale, where you have the intimacy of a quiet table, and the bar is always there as an escape route if you feel its just a little too much. The “dinner and a movie” formula has been around for AGES for a reason … IT WORKS. You can turn on the charm and be classy, and impress the pants off of her at the same time. If you play your cards right, she’ll drink enough wine at dinner that her pants will just kind of fall off on their own by the end of the night.
