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Other Features - Milwaukee Ridiculous

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By Elizabeth Cramer

Encountering yet another Valentine’s Day, I can’t help but acknowledge the high amount of people now dating online. After a friend walked me through her “matches” online one night, I also couldn’t help but acknowledge some of the ridiculousness.  With so many fabricated profiles out there, it’s no wonder that 4 out of 5 relationships START with dating online. Who doesn’t want someone who’s “the good guy finishing last” who just wants to have a “genuine connection” with someone they could “settle down with” after a couple nice picnics in the park? But are they really that great? Online dating is a subjective world at best, and usually the last measure before letting your aunt finally set you up with that nice girl at the yarn store.

Which makes me wonder what a completely accurate profile might look like …


SWWF: Single, White, Wisconsin Female Seeks …


I'm looking for someone to take me by my little hands and say, "It's okay, pumpkin. This actually is easier than death, better than Christmas, and Tippecanoe and Tyler, too, let’s do this damn thing!"

But don't really say that; what are you—with the Whig party of the 1840s?

We really don't have to talk that much. As long as you take me out to places with lots of stimuli or have the radio up high at your house at all times, I'll be fine. If we do talk, limiting the subject to the weather is best, as it will allow us to completely resist getting to know each other and skirt around serious issues as they may arise. But they probably won't arise due to the lack of productive speaking. Meanwhile, we’ll never be caught in the rain without umbrellas. Brilliant.

I'm also super weird about contact and availability. I want you to be available to me at all times, though I'll only be picking up my phone 40% of the times you call. I also love texts, but usually respond either immediately or 14-15 hours later. Typically. I’m reachable by email, but quite frankly, my email is a raging tsunami of Groupons, Facebook notifications and Nigerian pyramid schemes, so unless you mark your email as “burning” I may not see it for months.

I also don't cook and only clean if there’s some sort of “cleaning emergency” where even I know it needs to be cleaned immediately (vomit, sewage leaks, etc). I can sew a button on a shirt, but please don't ask me to knit, crochet, or to actually sew a button on a shirt. In the end, I really have no interest in “textiles” or any of that other grandma-like nonsense those crafty girls are into. I've also killed 2 cacti in my past as a "greenthumb", so I wouldn't try plants either. Just sayin’.

Animals? Game on. I have a cat who sheds like a whore at midnight. Please note that if you reply to this, you will immediately and permanently be covered in cat hair. I’d love for the person I meet to have pets, but please don’t ask me to watch them while you’re out of town. My cat has had years to develop his own self-sufficiency, so unless your pet knows how to spelunk in toilets for water and shimmy rogue pepperoni slices out from couch cushions, take it to a kennel.

Please be aware that I’m from Wisconsin and I grew up on a farm. This means that I may or may not have the following characteristics:

  • A Yooper accent
  • Calling cheese curds my “Cow Wheaties”
  • Idiolect vocabulary (ie: bubbler, FIB)
  • The tendency to steal those little jelly packets at restaurants
  • The ability to drink 5 beers and still be completely sober
  • An unrealistic belief that I play for the Packers and could complete more passes than Rogers if Coach McCarthy would just put me in
  • The tendency to wave to strangers when driving
  • Knowing at least 10 people in the Army at any given time
  • Ending most sentences with a preposition (i.e., “You want to come with?”)

I will probably make up some really feminine nickname for you like "Bunny" or "Kitten".  I'm sure it will emasculate you every time I say it and I apologize in advance for saying it in front of your Fantasy Football league. I honestly don't know why I do that. Maybe I can call you "snow leopard" or something if it would be better … but only if you look "snow leopardy" to me.

I am not including a photo because, in my opinion, what I look like should be the least of your concerns at this juncture.


So, if you think you're slightly better than what's going on above...email me. I'll respond soon. Or in 5 or 6 days.


_______________________________________________________________________

Oh, and one little tip to you menfolk: As we all know from Facebook, profile pictures can say a lot about a person. So, if you do respond to an online lady, here are some helpful tips for an acceptable male profile picture:

You’re profile picture should NOT include the following:

  • Antlers
  • Muscle vehicles
  • Tight wife beaters
  • Blaze orange or camouflage snowpants
  • Your 6th grade middle school photo
  • A picture of a sunset or mountain or any general object that is NOT you
  • Children/estranged baby mamas from previous relationships
  • You, holding an animal you recently killed
  • Giant fish
  • Anything “flexed”. I know how muscles work, thank you.
  • Trucks larger than your double-wide trailer. Also, if you live in a double-wide trailer, please refrain from responding.
  • You, looking pissed at the bathroom mirror while taking a “self portrait”. Really? Don’t you think you’re saying something when you don’t have one friend who could take your gaddamn picture??


So, happy Valentine’s Day and remember: stumbling upon a good profile can be really exciting, but sometimes you can save a lot of time by just honestly admitting you hate Dave Matthews before ever leaving the house.

Good Luck,
The Milwaukee Ridiculous