Originally Printed May/June '08
Q: I hate to admit it, but I hate beer and love fruity drinks. Problem is, I’m a guy. I usually end up being the DD because I can’t even bring myself to drink beer or anything else “manly.” I don’t want to get picked on for ordering something I like. What should I do? Are there any drinks out there that don’t look feminine but still taste sweet?
He Said:
An Amaretto Sour looks like whiskey, but tastes very sweet. In fact, so does a whiskey sour. But since you’re not a 1940s detective, you have two choices — either grow a pair and order what you want, or stop hanging out with insecure assholes that judge you by the color of your drink. The real irony is that your taste in drinks doesn’t make you a chick, but your overriding concern for how other people see you does.
She Said:
Dear Ryan Seacrest: I’m a Jack Daniel’s drinker, so this is a tough one. I have a few suggestions for you, the first of which is really simple. Stop being a puss. No. I’m serious. I’m sure your beverage of choice isn’t getting you laid, and if it is? Well, I’m sure it involves bringing a drunken girl home and watching movies on Lifetime and talking about your feelings. Gag. Your drink says a lot about you, and if you don’t want to be labeled as a total puss, don’t drink like one.
Secondly, look at commercials you see for Captain Morgan, Bacardi and Disaronno. All of them are sweeter liquors, but there guys drinking them and getting ass because of it. Some of them can be enjoyed with just a twist of lime, some soda or on the rocks. Yes, they’re garnished, but not with cherries and a little umbrella, so it won’t give away the fact that you really are a puss.
Third, if all else fails, go for a Long Island Iced Tea. It’s got enough liquor to kill a moose, yet the only thing girly about it is the taste. Now, Ryan, get off your ass, lay off the Lifetime and order up like a man.
Q: I am a huge fan of bands like Chicago, Poison and Whitesnake, but I always get harassed when I play them on the jukebox. What is proper jukebox etiquette?
He Said:
If they’re on the jukebox, they’re meant to be played. But if you hang in a bar where the clientele hates your taste in music, why not find a new bar? There are hundreds of places where those songs would not only be welcome, but played before you even got there. And odds are those bars have hot divorcees looking to get back on the market.
So get in there, ya big cougar hunter.
She Said:
I have a question for you: are you single? Because really, a total audiophile like myself appreciates your taste in music. Okay, there’s this bar I sometimes hang out at. All they play is shitty rap or weird ass hippie music (No, I’m not talking about Thurman’s. That’s totally acceptable there.). It’s not just a song or two, but a full block of songs that pretty much make my skin crawl. One rule to remember is any song with an 8-minute guitar solo, unless it’s “Freebird” by Lynard Skynard, is not acceptable in a bar. Period. There is no harm whatsoever in going to the jukebox, plugging in a couple of bucks and playing a few of your songs. If people don’t like it, tough shit. You’re the one paying for it, so you can play what you want. Most bars have what I like to call the “God Button,” where they can basically veto and skip music that sucks. If what you or someone else is playing blows that badly, exercise your right to veto it. Most bartenders are cool enough to ask who played it, and if no one speaks up, it gets skipped. If you’re the one being vetoed, speak up but don’t be a dick so you can hear the songs you want to hear. If you break up your play list of Bret Michaels and David Coverdale throughout the evening, it won’t be as bad. Break it up a few dollars at a time throughout the night instead of dominating the jukebox completely.
If that doesn’t work, just wait it out until you get home. I’m sure you have that shit on vinyl anyway — I know I do!
Q: I would love to host a theme party at my home, but I want to make sure everyone actually dresses up. What should I say or do? What kinds of themes would you be willing to dress the part for?
He Said:
Didn’t Strong Bad answer this question?
Anyway, I’d be willing to dress up for any party that didn’t suck, so try not to have a “my friends all suck” party. And the way you get people to dress up is you charge people that don’t. Simple — give them an incentive. Then give the money collected to whoever had the best costume. The girls will all do it, and the guys will happily pay to see girls in whatever costumes you choose.
Actually, having a “my friends all suck” party might be good … if taken literally.
She Said:
I came across this not too long ago when my friend Tex and I were planning our 25th birthday extravaganza. Here’s what we did and it worked quite effectively.
Choose your theme. Popular and fun themes are ones that are totally off the wall and crazy. I suggest something classic like a Toga Party, Remember the ‘80s, Corporate Hoe’s and CEO’s or, my personal favorite, Heaven & Hell Night. You’ll have a lot to work with when using any of these themes. You can usually find ideas on how to decorate and what food to serve with a simple search online.
Make fliers! Once Tex and I decided on Heaven & Hell Night, we made creative fliers that stated that our party was themed and that we wanted people to dress the part. All you need is a creative way to be demanding of your guests. For example, we said “Two heavenly girls: ONE HELL OF A PARTY! Dress the part! Wear your heavenly whites or most devilish blacks and reds.” It worked for us! You also might consider bribing your guests with things like “Door prizes for the best costumes!” If you don't have time for fliers, you can just inform your guests by word of mouth and online that it's a theme party.
If that seems too much for you to handle, then simply state, "If you don't fucking dress up, you won't get in." People usually get the point.
